Holidays can sometimes trigger old brother or sister hurts that never healed. Joy to the World can turn into something from Black Sabbath. Perhaps you’re an adult child avoids your midlife siblings because there’s “bad blood” from childhood . Maybe you steer clear of Mom’s holiday dinner so you can skip seeing sisters and brothers who gouged childhood wounds. The scar has built up over decades and you dive for the alcohol whenever they re around.
Perhaps there just was not enough love in your rickety family nest, making you and you sibling scramble for the few caring crumbs.As a kid your brother could have slugged you behind Mom’s back. Maybe you had sister got the new prom dress when you did Goodwill. Divorce may have shattered your family leaving you with two houses, two beds, two sets of parents,and stepsiblings who fought for your parent’s diminished love. No matter what your grievance story - holidays are when you might want to think about forgiveness.
There are many reasons why this is a great season to consider absolution for your siblings.
But first take a look at the list below from Stanford's Dr. Fred Luskin, in his book Forgive for Good, , Harper Collins , San Francisco, 2006
See if you have one of Luskin’s grievance stories. If so, buy his book before the holidays and consider why not to spend another miserable family holiday
Are You Telling a Grievance Story?
1. Have you told your story more than once to the same person?
2. 2/ Do you play the events more than two times in a day in your mind?
3. Do you find yourself speaking to the person who hurt you even when the person is not there?
4. Have you made a commitment to yourself to tell the story without being upset then found yourself agitated anyway?
5. Is the person who hurt you a central character in your story?
6. When you tell your story does it remind you of other painful things that happened to you?
7. Does the story focus primarily on your pain and what you lost?
8. In your story is there a villain?
9. Have you made a commitment not to tell the story again and then broken your vow?
10. Do you look for other people with similar problems to tell your story to?
11. Has your story stayed the same over time?
12. Have you checked the details of your story for accuracy?
If you answer yes to five or more questions of the first 11 questions and no to 12, there is a good chance you have a grievance story. Luskin’s book is available on Amazon .
Read it before the holidays. Give it as a present to your estranged sibling. Make forgiveness as a gift to yourself.
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